10/30/15 - Where has the time gone! I’ve been meaning to post here for ages now but have been so busy concentrating on my recovery that, before I knew it, three months had passed! Apparently, some of you (Wow, there’s actually more than three people reading this? LOL! ;) :p) have been wondering what happened to me, so I guess an update is in order! But first, a little something I need to get off my chest...
Call us fighters, survivors or even warriors but NEVER call us “victims”! THIS was what came to mind the other day, as I read a post on Facebook that, while penned with the best of intentions, was clearly written by someone who’s never had cancer themselves. Everyone’s experience is different, and although not all of us are lucky enough to win the battle, we are NOT “victims” to be pitied! We are just everyday people like the rest of you who just happen to have some extra challenges to deal with! It’s posts like that & the cringe-worthy reaction I received from one of my non-cancer related specialists that really give me pause for thought. During the past year, I’ve been commended over & over again by others, including friends whose lives were previously touched by cancer, for being so open about my personal journey. One friend spoke of feeling in the dark when another of her loved ones was much less open about their cancer experience - a stark contrast to my approach. I never understood why anyone would want to hide such a significant aspect of their life from those around them, especially close friends & family. But now I get it. I really do. But that was just never a choice for me. For my own sanity, I needed to write this journal & reach out to those around me, because quite frankly, I was scared shitless & would’ve gone insane if I’d held it all in.
As one of the many medical professionals once said to me this past year, I am an information seeker, so burying my head in the sand & pretending it wasn’t happening just wasn’t an option, and talking about it with others actually helped me deal with things, because no matter what you do, it’s always on your mind, even if it’s lying dormant for a while. There isn’t a day that you don’t think about it at some point. And even once you’re told you’re cancer-free, it’s always there. As an announcer on CTV News recently stated while reporting on Rob Ford’s suspected recurrence of pleomorphic liposarcoma, anyone who’s survived cancer will tell you, the biggest fear is that it will come back. Seeing Rob Ford hold back tears as he spoke of how far he’d come only to have to start “it” all over again really struck a chord with me, and I’m sure every other cancer survivor out there. My heart truly goes out to him & his loved ones.
That being said, I have my first post-surgery chest x-ray in two days, followed by a an appointment the following week to discuss the results with my oncologist to find out whether or not I'm still cancer free or if it’s spread to the lining of my lungs or heart. I also want to request an ultrasound or CT scan, as I’ve noticed an imbalance in the way my body feels around my ribs on one side. Hopefully, it’s just me being overly paranoid about the slightest idiosyncrasy, but we all know what happened the last time I ignored something like that, so I’m not going to ignore it this time! Still, here’s hoping my news will be happier than Mr. Ford’s. To say I am experiencing “scanxiety” right now would be an understatement. But I’d better get used to it. Got another seven years of this “fun" to come every three to six months, and even once that’s over, I’ll need to have tests for the rest of my life, but hey, at least I am here to have the scans in the first place, so it could be worse!
Whew! Now that I got that out of my system, here’s an update on the last three months!
In early August, nearly a month after surgery, my stitches finally came out & I was discharged from home care. Thankfully, that wasn’t nearly as painful as when my foot-long drain was pulled a week earlier! However, the nurse MISSED a few, which actually impeded wound healing, so eventually in early October, I took matters into my own hands & managed to pry the remaining sutures loose, cutting them out on my own! Keep in mind, that these stitches were on the back of my thigh, so lets just say I had to contort myself into some rather interesting positions to get the job done! It sure was worth the effort, though! The extra sensitive trouble spot quickly expedited healing from that point on! Sure, I could’ve returned to the hospital to get them to do it, but my thought on that was, I already went once & they buggered it up then, “If you want something done right, do it yourself!" So, I did just that, being sure to thoroughly sanitize before, during & after!
Finally having the stitches removed allowed me to progress into off-site physio in mid-August. It wasn’t long before those six exercises prescribed in hospital ballooned and the number keeps growing to this day! Currently, at the time of writing, I'm up to 23 daily exercises at home that take over an hour to complete, in addition to 2 hours & 20 minutes of recumbent bike throughout the week, one to two hours of elliptical each week, walking my dogs 4-5 times a week and a few other exercises limited to the actual physio clinic due to the fact I don’t have the equipment at home. I was also encouraged to purchase a yoga ball & resistance band as part of my physio plan, which have really helped. The other part of my physio involves my therapist working to break down the scar tissue, which can be quite painful but will reduce chronic pain in the long run. I swear, my theme song right now should be “It’s the Physio that Never Ends”, LOL! ;) Fortunately, the end is near, as I’ve only got three more weeks of off-site physio, followed by a month break before my final one or two sessions to tie up any loose ends. Oh, I can’t wait!!! While I’ll likely still need to continue with at home physio, I’m really looking forward to getting my life back, and the end of formalized sessions will be a step in that direction!
How does one stay motivated to do all that physio, you ask? Well, let me tell you, it’s not easy! The first four months were great - I did nearly every single exercise religiously every single day. But by October, I was starting to feel a little challenged in the inspiration department! So, what I did was create an inspiration board with pictures of my favourite band & a photo of me with friends at one of said band’s shows. I rode my elliptical for an hour straight the other day with the inspiration board propped up in front of me, so I guess you could say it’s working! :)
All this hard work has really paid off, though. Gone are the crutches & walker, all the rental equipment/aides have been returned & I have lost 12 lbs since surgery without even trying! And although I still walk like a duck, I’ve come a LONG way in the past three months! I can even touch my toes with a bit of bending at the knees, the neuropathy & other nerve pains have improved (though they're not gone entirely) and to my delight, I can once again get down on the floor (very carefully, I might add!) to hang out with my beloved fur-babies! <3 My next goal is to one day be able to run without looking like a drunken weeble-wobble, in hopes of making it near the front at all those Placebo gigs I’ll be attending next year! Yes, a girl’s gotta have her priorities! It’s all about the music! And the Molko! Don’t forget the Molko! ;) <3
Speaking of which (music that is!), September saw me embark on my endeavour to reconnect with my musical brain, as I began taking part in Wellspring’s music programs for those touched by cancer. In particular, I started both the ukulele class & drumming circle I’d missed during summer, and I must say I’m really enjoying them! I have a whole new level of respect & admiration for anyone talented enough to play a stringed instrument & do it WELL! Drumming circle is my favourite, though, because it doesn’t matter about all the music theory I’ve forgotten over the years. Anyone can do it & you don’t have to fight with your fingers trying to get the hang of chords! You just lose yourself in the drums & it’s simply amazing! One thing we do each week is play specifically for two members of the circle, surrounding them as they lay down on chairs in the middle of the circle. As we play, we focus our energies on whatever they want the healing-focus on. For instance, it could be something as simple as finding peace or it could be something more serious such as chronic pain or a recurrence. I was brave enough to volunteer to go into the circle during my first time, and it was such a surreal feeling hearing the music move around me as the others walk around playing various percussion instruments! And the healing touch at the end was, well, a nice touch - and completely optional, I might add. :) Music has been found by scientists to have great healing power, and I believe it. Amongst other things, it reduces stress hormones & depression by creating a natural high with the production of dopamine, which also helps increase energy. It’s no wonder there are so many music programs at Wellspring. :)
Still on the topic of Wellspring, I also finally got to take part in that laughter yoga I’d been wanting to try for years! Although, I only did one session due to its early morning start-time, I highly recommend EVERYONE try it at least once in their lifetime! There’s actually a science behind it, as well. Around 1995, it was invented by a doctor in India who felt his cancer & stroke patients’ lives were just too stressful & in need of more joy. Thus, laughter yoga was born! But it’s not just all jokes & smiles. Laughing, whether real or fake, provides the body with increased oxygen, which boosts both energy & immunity. The instructor even went so far as to suggest that a body with increased oxygen is inhospitable to cancer cells, so there just might be something to that old adage, “laughter is the best medicine”!
[NOTE: Post title inspired by the bonus track "Pity Party (of One)" by Placebo from their 2013 album "Loud Like Love"]
